If there's a shadow, it's six more weeks of winter, right? If not, warmer and better weather is closer. Honestly, I don't really give a shit about winter weather. Yeah, I live in Maine and winter is long and harsh. Don't we all want it to end here? But I want a different change. Whatever "season" this is right now for me, I do want it to be shorter. Or to end...like yesterday. Something is going on...and on...it's like 'Groundhog Day' - while I'm not reliving the same day over and over like Bill Murray does in the movie, I feel like I'm hitting the same wall. I hit it again yesterday. And it hurt.
Now, unlike in the movie, I cannot go back and RELIVE the same day. And I don't want to. Not that there aren't lessons to be learned everyday with changes in behavior, but I'm not sure I want to relive the same day over and over...well, maybe certain days would be ok, but that's not the point. I don't want to manipulate another person's behavior to get what I want. I think I'm doing everything right - as in "okay, putting in hard work, positive intentions, etc." and I keep getting shut down. This is where one might say "this is how you build character" or "it's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up" - or something of the sort. And yeah, I get that, believe in it, want to build character, blah blah. But I guess maybe I'm feeling a bit worn down today. Connecting to my last blog entry about the difficulties of starting over with a move, today I'm just really feeling a bit of..."restart fatigue". I feel like I'm not catching a break here and feel old and less able to keep on keepin' on sometimes. And I'm trying, believe me. "Pity Party, table of 1?" Sigh.
Actually 'Groundhog Day' is on my TV at the moment. They're looping it - today IS Groundhog Day after all. For the umpteenth time, Phil woke up to the same song and just smashed his clock radio onto the floor. I can relate. I'm not to the point of driving off the cliff or sitting in the bath with the toaster. I'm just fucking frustrated. I shall regroup - bury myself in a project or two. Try not to get down, or SO down that I cannot function. If that happens then any hope of a regroup and reenergize is impossible. I'll be a monster to live with, not a good mom to my three four-legged kiddos. They're the epitome of unconditional love and optimism - the antidote to this shit-storm.
Something's got to give. It has to. It will. Maybe what I am trying to do won't happen. Maybe this will cause me to change course. Maybe...who knows. I'm definitely being tested - my endurance is being tested. The emotional outpouring after each wall hit is getting stronger, which is kind of unlike me. This is how I know I'm reaching the emotionally fatigued tipping point. I'm not a fragile flower, but I've got a lot to take care of with my body/health...so some days this all feels like it can engulf me, like it's stronger than me. I know it's not...but I just want "it" to chill out for a while and stop slamming into me. I know it's my responsibility to figure this out and take care of me (and my husband and dogs).
I'm off to craft or embroider or vacuum or clean or organize...and inevitably think. It's when I seem to do that best.
And then nap. Let all that thinking seep in and percolate quietly...save for the sound of dogs snoring of course, the best medicine ever.